Everybody Loves Chocolate Cake
by Zamurai
Summary: It's Sasuke's birthday and a series of unfortunate events prevents him from eating his birthday cake. Like battling with a dobe, being kidnapped by his psycho brother, and fighting off hords of immature asses for the last piece...yeah...the usual stuff.
1. Ramen vs Tomatoes

**A/N: EvilSithGirl here, this fic is by me and JediWillRule**

**Everybody Loves Chocolate Cake **

**By: JediWillRule & EvilSithGirl**

**Chapter One: Ramen vs. Tomatoes!**

It was a bright sun shinny day in Konoha. It was a perfect dream day for most people but not for a certain young Sharingan-user. This day was Uchiha Sasuke's worst nightmare. Why? Two words. His. Birthday. And not just any birthday, but his 14th birthday.

Sakura and the dobe just made this day worse by setting up a party for him. Well, Naruto didn't really help because he was too busy daydreaming about eating Sasuke's chocolate birthday cake and stopping Chouji from devouring it with all means necessary.

"Are we going to the cake shop now?" asked the ever so impatient Naruto, in the grocery store.

"In a minute," replied Sakura.

With that, Naruto began counting to 60 seconds.

"56 Mississippi….57 Mississippi….58 Mississippi….59 Mississippi….60 Mississippi! A minute is done Sakura-chan!"

Sakura just dropped everything she was holding and glared at him, but then sighed in defeat. "Okay, let's go."

"YAY!"

"But promise not to steal all the chocolate cakes there like last year!"

"And what if I do?"

"I'll tie you to a chair and make you watch the late night Discovery Channel! And then tell the owner of Ichiraku to never serve ramen to you ever again!"

He glared at Sakura's back as she walked on ahead.

"Fine! I'll do it for the ramen!"

"Is that all you care about?" asked a very familiar voice.

"You shouldn't be talking you tomato-loving teme!"

Sasuke's face turned into a You-Have-5-Seconds-To-Run-Before-I-Friggin-Beat-You-To-A-Bloody-Pulp expression.

"What did you call me?" Sasuke's deadly voice and glare would've scared the pee out of anyone. That is, except the stubborn loudmouthed blonde they were directed at.

"You heard me! I called you a tomato-loving teme!" Naruto defiantly retorted back.

Sasuke finally snapped. He slowly bent down and picked up a random tomato from the ground. He looked at Naruto with an evil Orochimaru-smirk. Suddenly a million hundred random tomatoes rolled down the streets of Konoha, squishing the lives of anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way.

"AHHH!! TOMATOES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

"NOOOO!! I'M TOO SEXY TOO DIE!!"

"Yeah, well, **I'm…**too sexy for my shirt! ...Too sexy for my shirt! …So sexy-(SPLAT!)"

Jiraiya, who randomly poofed in, got cut off as he was hit in face with a rotten tomato.

"Boo, you stink!" yelled whoever threw it.

Anyways...Sasuke was standing in a cool pose, and behind him was a giant tidal wave of TOMATOES!

Naruto's eyes bulged out of his head.

"Oh $#!+."

----

Leaving the cake shop, Sakura saw tomatoes rolling down the street. She sweatdropped.

"Sasuke-kun's at it again."

Some tomatoes stopped when they reached her and tried to roll her down as well.

"Back! Back you fiends! Have the damn cake!"

Before they started to follow her again, she hightailed it to the Uchiha Manor, leaving the cake behind. …Or did she? It's a mystery…

-----

"Did you get the girl?" asked a smooth turns-you-on voice.

"No, master…" squeaked a squeaky voice.

"Imbeciles! ...did you get the cake?"

"Yes, master…" and a chocolate cake was handed over.

The smooth voice took a bite and…bit right into a wooden block.

"Fools! I'll do it myself! Damn splinters…"

-----

**Somewhere else…**

A certain sociopathic-chocolate-cake-lover, otherwise known as Uchiha Itachi, sniffed the air around him.

"I smell chocolate cake…"

From next to him, Kisame sweatdropped.

"You always do…remember what happened with the so-called chocolate you found next to that deer?"

"How was I suppose to know it wasn't chocolate?! Nobody could've predicted that! Besides it's Sasuke's birthday today…Foolish little brother! I shall claim your cake as mine! MUHUHAHAHA!"

"Evil laughs are so overrated…especially 'Muhuhahaha'. I'd go for something like BWAHAHAHA!"

"Oh? How about…BOHAHAHAHA!"

"Itachi…you didn't by chance forget to take your mental pills, did you?"

"No..."

"Ahem."

"May-be."

Kisame quirked a gill.

"Fine, I did! Big whoop, wanna fight about it?"

"O-kay…but if Leader finds out about the cake..."

"Curses, I forgot! He also shares my everlasting desire for snuff-coloured pastries! Well, what he doesn't know, won't hurt me."

-----

**Somewhere, somewhere else…with another spiky-haired-chocolate-loving-psycho **

"Achoo!" Akatsuki's Leader rubbed his nose.

-----

**Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere else…with some random person on a Mountain…**

"I LIKE CHEESE!!!"

(Echo: Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!)

-----

**A/N: (ESG) So we rewrote the story. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it? Review or face the wrath of JWR's lower posterior energy-bursts! Bwahahaha!!!**

**(JWR) Hello Motto. **


	2. I Hate My Life

**A/N (ESG): I. Love. Gaara. (But he's not in this story…WAAAAHHH!)**

**Everybody Loves Chocolate Cake**

**By: JediWillRule & EvilSithGirl**

**Chapter Two: I Hate My Life**

After a few hours, the tomatoes went back to the stands, satisfied. Sasuke came home, dragging an unconscious Naruto, and stopped to glare at his front door, expecting the worst.

'_Let's just get this over with…'_

He opened his door.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY SASUKE!" screeched a pack of banshees…I mean…his team-mates, teachers, a whole lot of Anbu, and some other people not worth mentioning.

Anyhow, all the unbelievable noise blasted Sasuke's eardrums to hell knows where and for reasons unknown, he fainted. Naruto took this chance to get up and run to the cake, but was stopped by the deadly Anbu determined to guard it with their puny insignificant lives…er…I mean, lives. Chouji was also there, looking thoroughly beaten…emotionally of course! The Anbu also didn't give him any cake, so he was sad. Very sad.

The cake was being guarded with Anbu from hungry cake-fanatics such as Naruto and Chouji, but…they weren't the **real** problem. There is One Other. One other who is said to be the greatest, evile-est, craziest, and most mental chocolate cake fanatic in the history of history of histories…

On queue, the roof suddenly collapsed and in bashed the certain one other of whom was spoken of…

_The slayer of the Uchiha Clan…_

_The murderer of millions…_

_An S-class criminal…_

_A member of the feared assassin organization, Akatsuki… _

_A hot piece of man-candy…_

Everyone looked on in fear and amazement at the One Other, whose face was shadowed but obviously smirking with pride.

_A mental patient who ran away from therapy…_

_An idiot who forgets to take his mental pills…_

He glared.

_A gas bomb who can't control his flatulence…_

He glared harder. "Are you talking about me, or Naruto?"

Pooooooooooot…poot…poot…pooooooooooooooooooooooooot

Sasuke regained consciousness only to wake up to Naruto blasting lower-posterior energy-bursts on him, and knocking him out again.

_Some poor fellow's wackamo sibling…_

"Ahem."

_The greatest, evile-est, craziest, and most mental chocolate cake fanatic in the history of history of histories…_

(Drum Roll)

…Uchiha Itachi.

"Itachi!" screamed Sasuke, immediately jumping up. Too bad for him though, he was unable to dodge a falling beam and blacked out, again.

Itachi leaped over to where Sasuke lay unconscious, hammering through anyone brave enough to get in his way.

Neji jumped in front of the blacked out emo prince.

"It seems that fate wants Uchiha to stay unconscious and I will make sure his destiny is accomplished. And so it is my fate to fight you."

Itachi gave him a look. He grabbed Neji's long hair and threw him all the way to Kentucky, where he landed in a chicken farm. But Neji didn't care about that, how could he after what happened? He looked teary-eyed and betrayed as some of his hair had been pulled out.

"Alas, it the destiny of my beloved hair to betray me so."

All the chickens slowly backed away from him.

Back with Itachi…

Said person reached Sasuke and tied him up with white bandages until he looked like a mummy with only its eyes visible. Sakura tried to get the mummy back, but her monstrously strong punches and kicks were wasted as Itachi kept dodging.

The mummy came to again and found himself being used as a shield by his psychotic brother to protect him from…his eyes widened…

"Mmmmf, MMOOMP!" Translation: Sakura, STOP!

But it was too late. Sakura couldn't stop and her punch sent both him and Itachi to slam against the wall all the way across the room.

It was hard to tell what knocked Sasuke out this time, Sakura's monstrous punch or banging his head against the wall. The world will never know…

Itachi recovered, picked his KO'd brother up, and raced over to where the cake was being heavily guarded by shinobi, including Naruto and Chouji. Said plump person used his 'Human Boulder Jutsu' to try and squash him, but he easily jumped over it. That resulted in a lot of unsuspecting people being smashed, not to mention the other poor unfortunate shinobi guarding the cake.

Naruto used his 'shadow clone' jutsu to throw multiple kunai at him while surrounding him. Itachi once again just easily jumped over all of the failed attack attempts and clones, resulting in the first ever human kunai pouch, and a lot of people beating the crappy pulp out of Naruto.

Itachi just smirked in triumph as he grabbed the beautifully-high-on-sugar chocolate cake.

"See ya."

He then jumped out of the immense roof hole he made himself, carrying both the cake and Sasuke to heaven knows where to do heaven knows what. We're pretty sure he's going to eat the cake, but what about Sasuke…?

"SASUKE-KUN!" cried (more like screamed their lungs out) Sasuke's fangirls.

"**CAKE!**" Naruto screamed louder then all of the fangirls combined (gasp!) while crying his heart and soul out, raising his arms up to the sky in a very pathetic way.

The Sasuke-obsessed girls just bonked Naruto on the head with all their might. On the other hand, Chouji, depressed beyond reparation, dug a grave for his beloved cake, tears flowing from his puny, beady little eyes. It's true, he's got small eyes.

-----

Meanwhile, the cake kidnapper leapt from tree to tree. He was far from Konoha so as to vanish from the chase, and not too close to the base so as not to have Leader on his case.

"What am I, Dr. Seuss?"

He glared…at what? Another mystery…or not.

"Quit it, with the rhyming!"

Yes, the famous S-class missing-nin talks to himself. But in his words; 'So what? Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?'

Anyways, Itachi was in a certain mood. A certain mood that was good, but not just a good mood. He was in a really good mood. The mood to torture his little brother, who, by probably genetics, also has a vast love for chocolate cake. But Sasuke wasn't as mental about it as he was…or was he?

"_Ugh…where am I?"_ Sasuke, finally woke up to glare at the world.

He glared to his left and saw tree tops. He glared to his right, or was that actually his left? Well, he saw tree tops on that side too.

He looked up to glare…well…up.

"_Itachi!"_ He glared the best he could.

Itachi then landed on a clearing. He put Sasuke down while he himself sat down and put the cake in between them. He cut a piece of the cake with his kunai and lift it up near his mouth while turning to Sasuke with a smug smirk.

"Are you sure you don't want any cake?" he asked him in a mocking voice.

"Mmmf!" Unfortunately, Sasuke's mouth was gagged. But at least he could glare…

"Why aren't you saying anything, huh? Well I guess I'll have to eat it all then."

Itachi stuffed the piece in his mouth.

"Damn, this cake is good!"

_"I hate my life..."_

Sasuke watched Itachi devour** his **chocolate birthday cake.

_"God...he's worse than Chouji and Naruto combined! He's like some kind of human vacuum! Scratch that. He **is** a vacuum."_

Itachi kept on eating until there was only _one piece _of cake left. His belly-welly was already too fully-wully.

"I knew I shouldn't have eaten at that bakery on the way!"

The mummy snorted.

_'He forgot to take his mental pills…again. Psycho.'_

"What should I do with this last piece?" Itachi asked no one in particular.

_"You should give it to your leader and hope he barfs it all over you,"_

Sasuke did an evil chuckle.Or tried to.

"Why the hell are you chuckling? Or trying to?"

Itachi glared. It's also in the genes.

"Don't make me use my Magenkyou Sharingan on you. Remember what happened last time?"

Sasuke's eyes widened as he recalled the terrible memory of squashing his beloved tomatoes and making love to the four wiggles. It was only a mind illusion, but it was excruciatingly terrifying, even for an Uchiha such as himself. He shook his head violently from side to side about fifteen times.

Itachi smirked.

"I didn't think so. Now what am I going to do with this remaining piece?"

A lightbulb then appeared above Itachi's head and he snapped his fingers.

"I know! I'll give to Leader!"

Sasuke sweatdropped.

'_I **really** hate my life.'_

_-----_

**A/N: (JWR) ESG is an idiot.**

**(ESG) I resent that! **

**(JWR) Review or face the wrath of ESG's stupidity!!!**

**(ESG) That's not funny, that's just mean! REVIEW!!!**


	3. Could This Day Get Any Worse?

**Everybody Loves Chocolate Cake**

**By: JediWillRule & EvilSithGirl (Samurai Zakari)**

**-**

**-**

**Chapter Three: **

**Could This Day Get Any Worse?**

**-**

**-**

"What are we going to do?" asked a worried Sakura.

"What we need is a plan," answered Kakashi. "So, everyone start thinking!"

Everyone got thinking.

Silence…

Then…

"Too too too too too too too…too too too too, TOO! Too too too too too--ouch!"

Jeopardy music provided by Naruto. Bonk-on-the-head provided by Sakura.

"Shut up and think!"

Alas, they were asking the impossible…

"I got it!"

Once again the loudmouth-blonde broke the silence that could only last a mere moment. Everyone turned to look at Naruto with either a doubtful or shocked expression.

"Let's all go to Ichiraku and eat some ramen! Ra-men paar-tey! Whoo! Ra-men paar-tey!"

They all sweatdropped with 'why-am-I-not-surprised' expressions. Sakura, who was already at the peak of her anger, finally snapped and began to power up a giant, demonic, yet-somehow-cool chakra sword.

"Na. Ru. TO!"

That was a sure sign to run like hell away from the looking-like-a-homicidal-maniac-with-fire-in-her-eyes Sakura. And run Naruto did, literally through the door, leaving a trail of yellow liquid substance oozing from his pants, (eeewww…) with a homicidal Sakura chasing him to the ends of the earth...

--

Meanwhile, Itachi carried Sasuke over his shoulder like a sak-o-potatoes while leaping from tree to tree. The last piece of chocolate cake was being heavily guarded, wrapped in foil paper--Yes, FOIL! The all mighty substance of DOOM--in Itachi's free hand.

But alas, the so called carrier of the mighty foil failed to notice that some of the trees behind him started to burn. How? Let's find out, shall we? Enter the psychotic mind of Itachi.

'_I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts, doo doo. Something, something, STANDING IN THE RAIN!! Short ones, fat ones, evile-pruny-purple-loving-chocolate-hating-pedophile ones too! I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts NOT for you! Cuz their mine now! Bohahaha!...I think I just said doo-doo…hehe…doo doo...hehehe HOOCHYMAMA!!'_

That's why. If you don't get it, then you're stupid.

So exactly why were the trees on fire? Well, Duckass, the prince of emos, was bored and wanted to take out his frustrations on the poor forest. And so he tried to burn it with nothing but the power of his glaring eyes. First, smoke. Second, a tiny flame, and a smirk from Sasuke. Then, the whole freaking forest was on fire. HOLY SHIT.

Build him a statue and tremble before him, because Sasu-chan can burn things with merely the power of his eyes. Yep, and the fire has nothing to do with the fact some noob dropped his lit cigarette on the forest floor and forgot to stomp on it because he wanted to chase after the fluffy bunny froo-froo hopping through the forest. Nope, the fire was _all_ Sasu-chan.

After awhile though, Sasuke got tired of watching the pretty forest fires that he created himself (coughcoughnotreallycough) and so had to find something else to occupy his fourteen-year-old male mind with. Enter the ever-mysterious mind of Uchiha Sasuke, the all mighty thinker of things that thinks thoughtfully.

'_Hn._'

Wow. That was just…wow.

But that just wasn't going to do, he had to think of something a taaaad less boring to occupy himself with. So instead, he imagined what a certain pink-haired-kunoichi would look like in the shower. Another smirk.

'_Nice._'

Pervert.

--

At the Akatsuki base…

"You brought Uchiha Sasuke?" asked Akatsuki's leader.

"Yup."

"Did you bring his birthday cake too?"

"Yup."

"Well then, give it to me!"

"Okey-dokey, but…"

"What?"

"Well…um…there's only one piece left…"

"WHA-"

Kisame cut him off.

"Speaking of which, One Piece is on and you're going to miss it."

He stated to Itachi.

"Wait I'm coming, here you go Boss…"

He gave the leader the piece of cake and left with Kisame, leaving Sasuke alone with the leader and the cake.

"Now I'm going to eat this last piece of cake and barf it all over you!"

The leader laughed a maniacal evil laugh. Sasuke sweatdropped.

'_Ugh…dammit! Why me? Could this day get any worse?'_

Just as the leader was about to eat the cake, Naruto ran in from no where, tripped over Sasuke's back, and fell flat on his face.

"Where the frosting did you come from?"

Leader gasped with a noticeably unbelieving tone.

Then Sakura came running in, also tripped over Sasuke, and fell on Naruto, forcing him back down in his half-way-up position. Her still active chakra sword accidentally sliced the cake in half before vanishing.

--

_to be continued..._

--

**Zaka**: I am no longer EvilSithGirl. I have evolved into...dun dun dun...A SAMURAI!!

**JWR**: Riiiiight

**Zaka**: That's right! So review you mortals (or non-mortals) or else face the wrath of...A SAMURAIII!

**JWR**: ...Shut. Up.

**Zaka**: You're just jealous cuz you're not...A SAMURAIIII!!

**JWR**: -steals her katana and hits her over the head- You just got pwnd, dumbass.

**Zaka**: -almost unconscious- ...you've defeated...A SAMURAIII!!

**JWR**: ...sigh...


	4. SWITZERLAND!

**Everybody Loves Chocolate Cake**

**By: JediWillRule & EvilSithGirl (Samurai Zakari)**

**-**

**-**

**Chapter Four: **

**SWITZERLAND!**

**-**

**-**

"Yay! Cake!"

Naruto consumed the last piece of cake, which was now actually cut into two pieces, so he ate two pieces of cake!

'_Ugh…dobe…' _

If only Sasuke's mouth wasn't gagged. When the hell will his stupid teammates untie him? Instantly Sakura ran over to him with a loud "Sasuke-kun!" and finally untied him. Just then, Jiraiya bashed in through the roof using what he calls his head.

"Hey guys!"

He threw one big shuriken at Akatsuki's leader while still falling down from the very, very high ceiling. Leader was about to catch the shuriken but Naruto suddenly (and unnecessarily) farted. His fart was so very stinky that it was in fact really very stinky. Stinky enough to paralyze the leader from escaping his doom as he was hit by the deadly shuriken. He instantly died.

"Well that was easy--" Sakura was cut off by the loud noise of Jiraiya crashing onto the ground, and creating a hole as he kept falling…After a while a 'thud' and 'bang' was heard, followed by a loud,

"SWITZERLAND!"

The whole team seven looked into the deep hole and used chakra ropes to pull the perverted Sannin out.

"What happened?"

Naruto asked Jiraiya, as he came up with his face slightly burned.

"Dragon breath," he replied, coughing. "Hmmm…smells like cheese…"

--

**Somewhere in Switzerland…**

A Sweetish Dragon was gobbling up vast amounts of cheese while burning all intruders…KILL THE INFIDELS!

--

**Back with Naruto and the guys…**

"Dragons exist in Switzerland?"

Sakura was surprised.

"What's Caesarland? Is that some kinda amusement park?"

Naruto had no clue what they were talking about.

"It's Switzerland you dobe. And it's a country."

Sasuke answered for him. Man did he miss saying 'dobe'.

"How can an amusement park be a coun- hey! Don't call me dobe!"

"Then don't act like one."

"Grrr…shut up Sasuke-teme!"

"Whatever. Lets just go back."

They headed back to Sasuke's mansion, where his birthday party was still on. As soon as they got through the door, Sasuke grabbed an unexpecting Sakura, dashed to his room, and locked his doors to do…stuff we probably don't want to know…or do we?

Jiraiya, of course being his perverted self, tried his antics with all the available females, resulting in yet another scene where angry homicidal females chased the already bruised and beaten-up Jiraiya all across Konoha and beyond. In short, it was 'Naruto' all over again. Speaking of Naruto, he and Chouji got into a fight, a fight for food! They didn't let anyone else touch the food or the very unfortunate person would face the wrath of Fatman and Ramen-boy.

--

Meanwhile at the Akatsuki hideout, Itachi and Kisame are still watching One Piece and had no clue whatsoever about the death of their leader.

"Did you say something?" asked Itachi.

"No," answered Kisame.

"I heard someone yell 'Switzerland'."

"Nope, didn't hear anything."

"Ah, must be my imagination."

"The only thing you ever 'imagine' is cake…"

"Shut up! I also imagine the horrifyingly painful deaths of all humanity and the slow deadly types of torture I inflict upon them!"

"Yeah…that…and cake."

Itachi just glared and clenched his teeth.

"I...don't...like...you!"

"Only 'cuz I'm not cake...you racist."

"Well...um...ah...! Your a fish!"

"Racist boy strikes again."

"Grrrrr..."

"Okay One Piece is back on, so shut it."

Itachi just glared a glare so glarefyingly glaring that it also glared the glare out of him. Simply put, he glared.

--

**The End…or is it?**

--

_"Ya yo, ya yo, ya yo, oh, oh!_

_His name is Leader…that's Akatsuki Leader!_

_Gonna be king of the ninjas!_

_He's crazy for chocolate! How did that happen?_

_Yo ho ho, he took a bite of cocoa!_

_Ya yo, ya yo, ya yo, oh, oh!_

_Ooh! His name's Itachi, he's like a samurai!_

_And a F-I-S-H-Y Kisame's not shy!_

_Sasori's doin' that puppet thing!_

_While Deidara's sculptin' for the would-be king!_

_Ya yo, ya yo, ya yo, oh, oh!_

_It's time for Akatsuki!_

_That's the name of their group!_

_In the Secret Base!_

_Ya yo, ya yo_

_It's time for Akatsuki!"_

Itachi and Kisame put their differences aside and happily sang their 'Akatsuki' version of the english One Piece theme song.

--

**The End (for real)**

--

**Zaka:** The Song is mine XD hehehe...But the rhythm belongs to the (dubbed) One Piece...which I do not own...

**JWR:** The plot is mine

**Zaka**: Yeah, well I added some of the funny and edited it, so there! XP

**JWR:** ...The plot is still mine...

**Zaka**: Shut it! Kay, so thanks to anyone who put up with this extremely weird and random story.

**JWR:** ...Whatever...

**Zaka**: Last words; I. AM. SAMURAI!!

**JWR**: Last words; PWND.

**Zaka**: Grrr...I feel like Itachi...

**JWR**: Heh.


End file.
